so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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