note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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