you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
