I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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