Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
