so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize