Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
