WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
