I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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