As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
