everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
