she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
