This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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