Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
