there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
