I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
