Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
