Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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