Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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