Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
