the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
