What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
