I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
