Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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