i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
