I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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