I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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