You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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