i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
