He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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