He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
