3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
