A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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