I am puke
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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