Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
