I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
