i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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