Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
