You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
