And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
