Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Oh god it's open bar.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
