If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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