I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize