ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
