bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
