wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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