he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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