3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I want her autograph on my taint
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
