Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
