i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
