She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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