mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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