Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
