Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
