pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
