Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
