You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize