Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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